louisemock's posterous

Last Blog of the 21 day Challenge

It's been good for me to have taken part in this challenge by my grandson Zac who is a missionary/youth pastor somewhere in Mexico. I can never remember the name of the place. He is amazing, by the way. I may be somewhat prejudiced but not much. lol I have had to  write about what I believe and I think I have benefited from it the most.

Since it's my birthday today I have been reminded of my new birth, my born-again experience. Except for it I would not be alive to tell this story! I was 28 yrs. old with 3 kids aged 7, 5 and 2. I was also a basket case! Dependent on prescription drugs for years and full of fears and phobias. I'd had an abortion at 26 and my life was becoming more and more of a disaster as I approached my 28th birthday. Panic attacks were almost a daily occurance and the rest of the day I just hung on to my sanity by a thread.

At the age of 25 I began to have this persistant thought that I would die sometime during my 28th year. It was with me daily and the more I tried to shake the thought the more it terrified me. Life was hell! As you may have read in one of my blogs, I had been molested as a child and one of the ways the shame and guilt of it had manifested in my life was in fears and insecurities. That is not necessarily what happens to everyone but for me life had always been full of anxieties and low self-esteem. So my days were filled with panic and my nights were worse. By the time I 'accidentally' found Jesus I could not lay down to sleep, feeling I couldn't breathe, constantly in fear, so dependent on pills that I had to put them in my pocket to go to the mailbox, 'just in case.' I do not have the space to write the many terrifying experiences I had during that time in hell.

I was about to run out of my pills so I went to the doctor, as usual, to get more. Surprise! He refused to give me more, saying that I needed help from a good psychiatrist who would spend enough time with me or I would either flip right out and end up in a hospital or my heart would not be able to take the prolonged panic and constant anxiety and I would die. He suggested I take yoga to get my body back in shape (I was about 25 lbs. underweight) and to learn to relax and breathe properly. I was so frightened my legs would not work they were shaking so hard!

 There happened to be a library in that mall so I went there to look for yoga information to  read since I could not go out to a class, agoraphobia (fear of open spaces) being one of the many phobias I suffered from. I found the yoga books, as well as one I had spied on a high shelf, called "The Power of Positive Thinking." I thought it was a motivational guide to improve your thought processes and heaven knew how much I needed that! How wrong and right I was! The book was written by a pastor who counselled many people who were in various messes in their lives, as I was. It was all about how to give all your cares and worries to Jesus and he would take all the misery, shame, guilt, hurts and fears and make you into a new person! Could it be real? After all, I had grown up in church and had never heard of a God Who was alive and could hear the cries of people who were desperate for help. Especially one like me addicted to drugs! A God who loved me just the way I was! Who would take my measly, inconsequential life and turn it into a meaningful one! What an exchange! Who wouldn't be willing to give up what I had for what He was offering?

I didn't even know what I was doing! I didn't know what a future He had for me and the joy I would experience because of it!  I didn't know I was what the bible calls 'born-again but it sure felt like it! At 28 there was a death! The old Louise died! I became a new creation according to the bible. Imagine! My sins were forgiven and I was loved! Loved!

God had many wonderful things in store for me and I have experienced so many unbelievable miracles! As long as I trust Him and believe His word I will continue to. His promise is: "the latter shall be greater than the former." I believe that.

Songs I Wrote for the Incarcerated

HOPE

Where is there hope for me?

What is my destiny?

How will I ever see

The road to You?

Where is there hope for me?

What is my destiny?

This longing to be free

Could this be You?

You've caused these questions to start

A burning deep in my heart

To give completely to You

My heart and soul.

To worship You and be free

To know Your perfect liberty

To see the end of each road

Come home to You.

There is a hope in me

There is a destiny

That causes me to see

The road to You

There is a hope in me

Eternal destiny

A longing to be free

That's met in You.

YOU LOVE ME ANYWAY

You love me anyway, You love me anyway

No matter what I do, no matter what I say

You love me anyway, You love me anyway

In Your embrace I'll stay

You love me anyway.

There are times when I feel lonely

There are times I just can't pray

Times when I don't serve You only

But I know You love me anyway.

There are times I feel You near me

When I lift my voice and pray

Times I don't know if You hear me

But I know You love me anyway.

The girls in the prisons enjoyed these songs but they could be written for the church as well, especially the last one. They sang along as I played my autoharp and we would woship together. I remember one time, after our time of singing, the girl sitting next to me, who was a new inmate, turned to me and asked me why she had goose-bumps. I love how God makes Himself known to each person in a way that can't be mistaken! I told her that was the presence of God and that He loved her. I found out later  that she was HIV positive. We don't have to work up anything in order to have Him show Himself to the hurting. He's way ahead of us!

Becoming Versus Being

Bear with me because this is so important! I want to show you the trap most Christians fall into. I did. It is so subtle that, by the time we recognize we are caught, if we ever do, we have wasted precious time. Could be years!

At the new birth: 1)Your sins are forgiven, 2) You have been given the GIFT of Righteousness, 3) You are qualified for all God has provided for you. The old you has died! If you continue to see yourself as you have in the past, you will experience little benefit from what God has done in you! Your primary objective is to change the way you see yourself. Renewing your mind is the key, the starting place, the foundation of Christian living. It is the place where you begin to see yourself as a new creation. You leave the realm of BECOMING and enter the place of BEING.

Those who are not introduced to the concept of renewing the mind think they still need to change. They are pursuing change more passionately than ever. They are operating the heart physics law of reaction. The more they say to themselves, "I need to change," the more they believe they have not changed. The deeper their desire to become, the more deeply they believe they are not becoming! Therefore they are reinforcing the lie that they are not already changed.

If we are properly introduced to this concept we realize tht the change has already taken place. We are no longer trying to become, we have entered the realm of "I am!" We're not seeking to change. We are seeking the transformation that comes as we SEE ourselves in light of God's transforming power. "It is no longer I that lives but Christ lives in me and the life that I NOW live I live by the faith of the Son of God!"

Ok, here's the kicker: Although this concept of BEING versus BECOMING is subtle, it is essential to emotional and spiritual health. Change says, "I am not, and I must become." Transformation says, "I am, and I am yielding to a process." One contributes to faith and self-worth. The other tends toward unbelief and works-centered righteousness! One takes you to the place of rest. The other takes you to the place of continual effort and dead works. One produces righteousness consciousness, the other sin consciousness! As subtle as the differences may seem, the consequences are enormous!

Last paragraph I promise. Change is external. Transformation is internal. Change comes from pressure. Most people who are TRYING to change are negatively motivated. They are assessing what's wrong with themselves and seeking to fix it. They feel pressured to change. People who are yielded to the process of transformation see who they really are in Jesus. They believe they HAVE BEEN made righteous.  They have an image of themselves in Christ. Then they yield to the power of their new righteous nature. God's nature in them does the work.

WE HAVE BEEN CHANGED! Just BE who you are!

Abortion: Some call it Choice

I write this with great reluctance. I neglected to post yesterday, mainly because I could not decide what to write. When Zac, my grandson, who got me into this in the first place, posted this morning about abortion, I knew I was supposed to reveal this. I had thought that maybe I was to do it yesterday but wimped out.

Ok, here I go. Knots in my stomach and all. It's not that I haven't exposed this before but it was mostly in front of women's groups or small groups. So this is not new to some of you, I'm sure.

As I have indicated in some other posts, I had some issues growing up with molestation and fear. Nearly did me in. After marrying and having my first baby the fears and phobias grew and I ended up having to rely on medications to get through life. I had 3 wonderful children in my early to middle twenties but, although I loved them dearly, I was slowly falling into a pit of panc attacks daily, couldn't sleep, could hardly leave the house without great fear, becoming addicted to pills, too many things to tell here. When I became pregnant for the fourth time, I was really frightened and the doctor and I agreed that I should abort the baby. At that time you had to see three different doctors who all verified the first doctors decision. It was a little harder to go through with it then. I was to be called by the hospital when a bed was ready. Oh, how ignorant I was then! I waited and waited and then called my doctor to ask him if I shouldn't have been called by this time. I was already over 5 months pregnant! He was flabergasted and arranged for me to be hospitalized immediately. Since they coudn't take the baby the usual way because I was too far along, they had me sign a paper agreeing to a c-section and they would tie my tubes while they were in there. So, essentially, they took the baby, who would probably lived by today's standards, and had to dispose of it somehow. (My hands are sweating and heart pounding)

For 2 years, as long as I was on the vallium, etc., I managed to avoid thinking about what I had done, justifying my decision with all the excuses I could. How could I think about killing a helpless little human being and survive the torture? So I didn't. At age 28 I had the life-changing experience of asking Jesus into my heart and giving my life to Him. I did not have any medication after that, depending on Him as completely as I could. During that time there was a lot of controversy in Canada about a Dr. Morganthaler (don't know the correct spelling) who wanted to start abortion clinics in Canada. It was all over the news and newspapers. The more I listened to the conversations and news talk about it the more horrified I became at what I had done! My stomach would churn and I got to the place where I knew I had to talk to someone about it. The long and short of it is that I knew God forgave me and I had to forgive myself. I had prayer and over a period of time the horror passed and I was able to tell others what I had done without crying and sobbing.

For any of you who may have gone through an abortion I want to say: When Jesus was on the cross He said, " Father forgive them for they don't know what they are doing." If he could pray like that for the people who had tortured and were about to kill Him I  am sure He would say the same for us who have killed our child. I am not condemned and neither are you! Ask God to forgive and He will!! Period. The burden of what I had done lifted according to Jesus words. Matthew 11:28 "Come to Me, all of you who are burdened and carrying a heavy load and I will give you rest." He loves, He does not condemn!

 I too, have a special place in my heart for those who have been through this. I hope and pray you find the peace I did. We have been so brainwashed, more so since I had the abortion, and harden our hearts so we can't feel.

Does God 'Allow' things to Happen?

Here's my take. Example from my own life:

At the tender age of about 3 yrs. old I began to be sexually abused. From someone outside my home. I had no definite recollection of it at that age until much later in my life but I  always knew something had happened before I could remember. It had a huge impact on my life and the older I became the more it began to manifest itself! I was almost destroyed by it. Until the time I had the life-changing experience of being 'born-again' I was a basket case and was simply existing in hell, waiting to die. At least that is what my thoughts were. At age 25 I had this persistant thought that I would die at 28 and the closer I got to that deadline the more frightened I became. Panic attacks every day and totally dependent on drugs. Addicted. Hopeless.

Ok, that's a story to tell at some later point. My point today is to examine the question I asked in the title of this blog. (Someone said b.l.o.g. means basement living opinion giving) lol  Many people believe that God is in control of everything or that He 'allows' everything to happen. I  have a very hard time with that. His command was for US to take dominion over the earth. Yes, He will speak to us and if we listen and follow His lead, we can do all things according to His will. But not everybody does that. Not the person(s) who molested me! We have also been given a free will. We have the CHIOCE to do it His way or our way. Anyway, I have a hard time picturing Jesus standing by and 'allowing' that to happen to me or anyone else, for that matter. Was He standing there saying, " Louise, this will be used for your good someday?" Do you think I could love Him so much if I believed that? Is that what He has to use to bring us to Him? I thought it was the goodness of God that drew man to repentance!

We visited Jim in the hospital. He was dying of cancer. His belief system was geared more along the lines that God wanted to teach Him something and was using cancer to do it. Jim was the nicest guy you could imagine and I wanted to cry and shake him, telling him that this is not how God teaches us. He has given us His word to teach us and put all our sickness and pain on Jesus! Jim died. According to his thinking, he did not learn what God was trying to tell him. I cry thinking about him now and wonder how many people share that opinion of God and still love Him and want to serve Him? Better people than I!

That little girl of 3 (and older) was not  hurt in such a horrible way because God 'allowed' it! Jim did not die because God wanted to teach him something! There is evil in this world. There are people who give in to their lusts and diseases that are a part of this modern age, sometimes because we allow it. Life may not be fair but evil does not come from a God Who is Love. He does not take away, He gives! He gave Jesus in exchange for our sin, for our health, for our joy! Oh, how He loves us!

God or Coincidence?

Another story about prayer:

A number of years ago I was  minding my own business doing dishes at home in the evening when I had this prompting to pray for a cousin of mine whom I had not spoken to or had even thought about for a long time. It's one of those things that God does hoping we are listening and will put aside what we are doing when He wants to use us to make a difference in the lives of His creation. To  my knowledge my cousin was not saved at that time. I went into my bedroom and knelt (not necessary) at the foot of my bed and prayed in English and in tongues for him for about 20 to 30 minutes. I had no idea what to pray. I didn't even really know for sure that it was God.

The next night I was visiting my parents when the phone rang and I answered. It was my aunt, my cousin's mom, whom I had prayed for the previous night. She said she just wanted to tell my mom, her sister, that Edgar was alright, that he had just received burns to his hands and face but had been blown out a small side door of his radiator shop by some 'miracle' or would have been killed by the blast and the fire. Coincidence?

When my daughter Christie was in high school she was continually coming home from volleyball practice and games with her ankle swollen and wrapped. Finally she went to the doctor and had an x-ray taken. After checking it, the doctor called her and told her he wanted her and her parents to come the next day after school for a consultation. They had observed what they thought looked like a small tumor in the area, which could explain the constant weakness, swelling and pain. Needless to say, I got that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I admit fear began to creep into my heart. I had visions of Terry Fox who'd had his one leg removed and had later died of cancer. The morning of the day we were to see the doctor I went to a friends house and we prayed, sang and had communion together. The more we prayed the more I felt the peace of God and by the time Christie called to remind me that I had to pick her up from school by 3 pm and take here to the doc. I was completely at peace. Fifteen minutes later she called again and told me the doctor had phoned and said it was unnecessary to come in, he had checked the x-ray again and couldn't find anything on it! Coincidence??

I wonder how many times God was asking me to pray that I didn't answer? Busyness, tired, etc. How awesome is it that the God of the Universe needs me (and you) to do His work on this earth! He gave us dominion and a free will. We can do it or not. Listening to God and seeing His miracles in answer to our prayers is what makes this life full of wonderful 'coincidences'!

Got Pain?

Want to tell about my back, hip, sciatica, PAIN!!

Since my mid thirties I have had  chronic back and hip problems. I was guarranteed to become incapacitated at least once every year. It was no picnic! It usualy would take  a month or more before I was able to function almost normally but still with residual pain. Getting dressed in the morning was a chore. If I had to bend down to pick up something I made sure to do everything that had to be done down there so I wouldn't have to do it again soon. lol   I couldn't sleep well and tossed around all night. My left hip was so painful and my whole leg hurt right down to my toes. Yup, it hurt!

 We had gone to Florida in July for Preston's birth and from that time until the following spring I was in a lot of pain every day. Went to the chiropractor many times, did the stretch exercises, used the massager all the time and saw little change. Could hardly navagate stairs and driving the car was  not fun. It was the first time I had been in such continual pain without relief in all the years since the problem has begun. About 25 years!

Then, over 4 years ago, I think I had some revelation about how Jesus prayed, although I'd read and heard that scripture preached on many occasions. You know how there is so much more buried in God's  word even when you think you have understood it completely! Mark 11:24 WHATEVER things you desire when you pray, believe that you recieve them and you SHALL have them. (Shall meaning sometime in the future)

If you beieve that you HAVE received, how would you feel? You would be rejoicing, dancing around and thanking God for what He has given you! You would see yourself as already having what you prayed for and feeling all the emotions that come with it! You would be so THANKFUL and GRATEFUL!! Did you know that deep emotion plus knowlege is a formula that causes the brain to believe whatever you're saying and feeling is real and will do everything to bring whatever it is to pass? Positive or negative!

Well, I couldn't dance around at that time but I saw myself as able to do that and continually thanked God for it! I thanked Him that I could run and jump and kneel and bend and do all that a normal person with a healed back could do. Don't forget I was almost 60 at that time and overweight so that would be no small feat. When depressing thoughts would come to mind, and they did, I would replace them with positive. I spoke the Word of God about who I was in Him and Who He was in me. I changed the picture of my situation. I CHOSE to be so thankful for all I could do and had, that, if I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I would have thanked Him for at least a dozen things before getting (painfully) back in bed! This is still hard for me to believe but in less than 3 days the pain left completely and has never come back!!! If I do some heavy lifting and work hard outside all day I just have the normal stiffness that you might expect for someone my age, or anyone, for that matter.

God gave us an imagination for good! We CHOOSE what we use it for.

First Love

 Revelations 2:2-5. " I know your works and your labour and your patience and how you cannot bear those who are evil and have tried them which say they are apostles and are not and have found them liars. And have bourne, and have patience, and for My Name's sake have labored and have not fainted." Wow! What does that mean? What were these people thinking? According to verse 2 and 3 they were doing pretty well. Working hard doing all the right things it appears.  Obviously  something was very wrong!

Verse 4:" Nevertheless I have somewhat against you, because you have left your first love." How could that be? How do you do all those things right and not be operating out of love? What does 'first love' mean?

Verse 5: Remember then from where you have fallen, and repent, (meaning change your mind) and do the first works...that you did in the beginning. Years ago, when I read this verse and checked my heart, I knew I needed to take a good look at what I was doing. I don't think I could have been any busier working hard 'for the Lord."  What did He mean by first love and first works? I said to Him that I hadn't done any works, all I did was depend on Him for every second of every minute of every hour of the day. ( I was a mess! Full of fears, panic attacks, health issues and dependent on prescribed drugs to get through the day) Jesus said, "This is the works I called you to: Believe on Me!" Well, thats what I was doing! That's about all I could do!  I have come to realize more about this scripture that used to perplex me. When I first gave my life to Him, all I knew was that He loved me and I needed Him desperately! I loved Him because He first loved me! As time went on a subtle change came about. My 'first love' was slowly twisted into busyness. It had only been  through recognizing His love for me that gave me the joy and the strength to live and grow! I had no strength in myself! As soon as I started to depend on my own strengths and my own efforts I started the subtle downward spiral into works.

In other words, I was slowly falling 'under the law,' getting 'religious' and not even knowing it! When I was operating out of 'my first love,' knowing that Jesus loved me, reconizing I had nothing apart from Him and needed to depend completely on Him, then I was strong. I was walking in the love of God and that is the only place we can bear real fruit!  It's ONLY love that NEVER fails! 

 First love?  His love for me. It's ALL about His love. Faith works by His love. Without knowing His love for me first I couldn't begin to live the glorious life of His grace. Anything I do that bears fruit is because He first loved me. It's not about me. At all! Louise is dead! (Most of the time) lol

What is My Destiny?

For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be   conformed to image of His Son. Romans 8:29  This scripture is the starting place to discover destiny. Most people attempt to understand their destiny by discovering what they desire to do. However, our destiny in NOT in what we do, it is who we will become! Becoming is far more important than doing! If yu become who you should be, you can only do what you should do!

God embedded what we would do in the process of our personal developement. BECOMING is our ultimate purpose! He wants us all to be like Jesus. In other words, it is our destiny to change, to grow, to become more like Jesus! This is the journey of our life. This should be our continual pursuit. As we become who God would have us to be, then what we should do becomes obvious.

WHO ARE YOU?

 Most people have never decided who they want to be. You decide, did you know that? Write a character sketch of who you want to be. It can be up to three pages. Describe the "you" with all the character traits you desire, the way you will treat people and how you will live in success. Write it all out in the FIRST person, present tense as if it is already a reality. Use phrases like, "this is how I feel" and "this is how I treat people." None of it is about how you hope to be. It is about who you are! Include all the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. This provides your left brain with a rational, biblical basis to have confidence.

 Read your character sketch every morning. You may find that you need to read it during the day, but you also should read it the last thing every night. As this becomes your sense of self, your heart will guide you into a lifestyle that always sustains who you see yourself to be. When your primary goal is to survive, to save your ego, you can never thrive. However, as long as you are nurturing who you are, you will not only survive but you also will thrive.

Hey Zac, this would be something like a mission statement you were talking about for everyone to do. It could be a guideline. What do you think?